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I realized: There’s no advice for how to deal with this problem. I decided: I’m just going to do some research, which is sort of my approach to everything in life.

Bonos: How can the rest of us give ourselves our own reality checks?

The real question is: Interpreting ambiguous romantic situations can be greatly influence by the topics we converse about.

These two researchers conducted 3 experiments in which they found that changing participants construal level (love = more abstract topics and lust = more concrete topics) highly influenced the cognition of their participants to crave love or lust more (regardless of which they desired in the beginning of the date).

It helps that we’re both fairly conscientious people, so we feel guilty about violating the terms of the contract. When I was living with Kevin, there wasn’t a lot of space for me in that relationship.

And so, one of the things that I loved about being single is that I got to make all my own decisions about how to spend my time.

Bonos: I loved reading about how your parents and grandparents met.

I grew up in this very white, very conservative, very Protestant community — I knew very few people who were divorced — and I had this idea that people who did get divorced were bad people. I felt: Bonos: You write about this common notion that singles have — that when you find the right person, they’ll just intuitively know everything about your needs and your boundaries and that you don’t need to communicate that to them. I know that it’s Mark’s job to take out the trash, so I don’t worry about it. The contract also talks about what our goals are for the relationship.

But it’s a lot of work, and most of those interactions are either a superficial chat on your phone or a superficial date. I do think you’re almost guaranteed — if both people really participate in the questions — to feel a sense of closeness. Bonos: You write about how much love stories shape our ideas about love.

Specifically, you couldn’t tell how much of your desire for a spouse was you — was real — and how much was scripted, based on how girls are taught to want all of that.

I do know that, when I was in the relationship with my ex-boyfriend Kevin, I went away to go to the Banff Center to do this writers’ studio program. I remember talking on the phone to one of my best friends and saying: “You know what, I think I’ve realized that I’m actually writing this book as a way to try and figure out if I want to be in this relationship.” And she was like: “Yeah!

I’ve known that for a while.” I was in this position where I felt stuck, because I really loved Kevin and yet I just didn’t know that he was someone I wanted to make my life with.

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