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And then decide, is this a person that I really can build my life with? Then you choose that person, put the blinders on, marry that person and that person becomes your "one"--Jim: Well, what's—Lisa: --for the rest of your life. They feel like their heart should be tied to someone. I've known people that have dated, no joke, eight, nine, 10 years and then broken up after that time frame, because there was no plan in their relationship.
Jim: --an example of some of the core things you're lookin' for? It's culturally expected of them, but they don't have any game plan. They don't have any assumptions about what they should be looking for or how this should be moving along a continuum. Jim: Let me ask you this though and push a little bit on it, because just from my own experience, I know Jean and I met when we were each 24 and we kinda knew when we met each other, this could be the one.
or Miss Right and then they make the move and they may be 30 before that happens. Lisa: Yeah, no, my mom was married 50 years before my dad died and for her, the process of moving into marriage was very natural. And she doesn't understand the culture that I'm in now, where you are building a career or you're having fun and you're traveling across Europe or you're finding yourself or you're picking out of a myriad of choices and it just confuses her. I'm gonna meet some amazingly godly guy who's also super attractive and possibly wealthy.
But today we want to talk about that stage of singleness and what's happening, what the culture's doing to you, what you need to be doing to prepare yourself for marriage and thinking about what your call is. Jim: Let's Well, let's start with your journey, because we need to qualify who you are and why you're an expert in this area of singleness. You need to do all these things and become something great. (Laughter)Jim: Any other—Lisa: And it was very—Jim: --qualifications?
Jim: Now Lisa, you do such a fantastic job leading Boundless, which is an outreach for singles here at Focus on the Family. Lisa: Well, it illustrates that apparently, there's something in this book for everyone (Laughter), because my mom is 86-years-old. So, I had to reconcile the two of them, which was difficult to do. And so, I went to college, started, you know, got my first job and started moving all around the country to escalate in my career of journalism and P. at the time and put marriage on the backburner and then woke up one day and I was 30-years-old and I was like, did I do something wrong?
You've just finished the Boundless summer conference. This is my line in the same of what I wish I'd been told about dating and relationships and thriving in singleness. She loves Focus on the Family and I had her read the manuscript before it went to print. 'Cause this script that I thought I was gonna be delivered didn't work out the way I thought.
It's not the exciting, you know, it's not the super-cool thing that you see other people doing. Jim: Lisa, I want to pick up on what you just said, because I think it's important and that is, what we condition ourselves to be pursuing in this life. And I mention in the book a couple traps that I think are birthed out of Hollywood that are unique to men and women and I'll share one of each. That totally makes sense and there's nothing wrong with that. And so, but then, for the Christian guys, guys kinda spiritualize it.
And it's hard to prepare young people for a life of selflessness in marriage, which I think is one of the core things that God is doing in marriage, is to make us more like Him by requiring us to be giving and selfless in a marriage. And so, they realize that attraction and physical looks alone are not gonna hold together a marriage for 50 years. Lisa: I started out with some super legitimate ones, but by 45 through 50, yeah, let's not even go there.
Some are called to celibacy, but that is a real small percentage of people I think. So, tell us (Laughter) about where you're at in your 20s back then and what you were looking for or not looking for and what was appealing to you as a young woman? And so, I kind of married the two by saying, you know, I know I'm gonna get married someday. Lisa: --and had certain characteristics of a number of Hollywood stars at the time.
And so, we need to explore where the single scene is today for the Christian and we're gonna do that with a very special guest. She spearheads our ministry to singles called Boundless and has just released her first book, . Lisa: Yeah, so you know, in a nutshell, I followed the script that I was given, both within my church, which was great and then within the public schools of California. I saw great marriages around me, but at the same time, I was in the California public schools and was being told, no one is gonna take care of you, but you. And so, I was like, okay, well, that's gonna be my story eventually, but for right now, what I want to do is be a success.
So, then they start tacking on all these other things for women, like, "Well, you know, I want her to love children and I want her to have characteristics of being a good mother and I want her to, you know, be active in her church and I want her to write Bible studies, you know. But so, we're told basically that we are to expect this ideal and again, it doesn't exist.
So, then they put all these spiritual attributes on her and really what they end up doing is crafting a woman who doesn't exist. It's our own form of kinda setting something up that will ultimately crumble. is that an issue where your standards are just too high? I think that a lot of Christian young adults have been told that there is one person out there that God has chosen for them and if they do not marry that person, they will be "out of God's will."Jim: What's a healthier perspective in that way?